Jeza Belle caught up with the “Queen of Mean” herself, Lisa Lampanelli, who shared her thoughts on “All-Star Celebrity Apprentice,” her current projects and her incredible weight loss number reveal.
Tell our readers what you have been up to?
Right now I’m preparing for my one person show. We are doing workshops of it right now. Hopefully the project will make it to Broadway in the fall.
What lead you to do this project called “The Untitled Lisa Lampanelli Project: This Ain’t Stand-Up, Bitches!”?
I was bored to death! I did the roasts for so many years, my HBO special, three other Comedy Central specials and decided as awesome as stand up is I wanted to have an opportunity to talk about something more real to me. The show is just that; it’s little bit of a more serious side of me that shows the humor and insight of my struggles with weight, men and all of the things we all go through. I started working with Alan Zweibel, who is one of the original “Saturday Night Live” writers. We decided we could write a really hilarious show but have some meaning that people could take away. It’s been a few years that we’ve been working on it. I had no idea how long it takes to get to Broadway! We just keep working and working and really hope to make it there finally. I almost got derailed by the hurricane that took place here. It was so rough the deck on my third home got a dent in it!
Since it deals with more serious issues, will your fans be surprised by this performance?
For an hour and a half show, there are maybe three serious moments, which will mean my “Bridge & Tunnel” fans will be asking themselves, “What…this bitch-c%$* has feelings now?!” I think the show is so funny though that there are probably as many laughs per minute as in my stand up. What they will be shocked by though is the real truth I’m telling about my life and my history with guys etc. They will still be laughing though! Maybe the emotionally detached straight men that come will probably miss the three moments and say, “that was just f-ing funny!”
Are you watching “All-Star Celebrity Apprentice”?
Of course I am…I’m loving it! There’s nothing better than watching a show that you know from behind the scenes but you don’t have to be a part of any more. It’s a blast to watch. Jimmy, my husband, and I laugh and laugh. It’s a really hard and exhausting show to do though.
Any thoughts so far?
I would bet my life on Penn Jillette only because I’ve worked with him and I know he’s a genius. He’s probably one of the smartest guys in there. I also like Trace Adkins for a winner. One of those two should be in the finals. You never know though, Donald Trump could throw a curve ball! I’m just a little off put that there are no gay men in it this time! My season we had George Takei, Clay Aiken, a few closet cases…where are the homos?! I’m starting a bro-test right now!
Would you ever return to the show in the future?
HAHA…I’m not sure they’d ask me! I had a fight with NBC last year about a joke I made about ‘someone’ after the show. It was a joke of a disparaging nature, which is what I do for a living! They wanted me to apologize and I refused because I’m a comic. If I apologize for one joke I make I’d never stop apologizing! However, if one of the All-Stars asked me to come back and help them (hint, hint)…I totally would do it!
On Season 5 of “Celebrity Apprentice”, you raised funds for the Gay Men’s Health Crisis, an organization that provides care and advocacy HIV/AIDS prevention and care. In that vein you are beloved in the gay community. What is it about you ‘the gays’ can’t get enough of?
I raised $130,000 for the Gay Men’s Health Crisis….which means I cured AIDS single handedly! You’re welcome! Actually, I have a feeling they think I have a penis and that I’m really a drag queen, so they love me! Let’s be honest though, gay men LOVE bitchy women who call people out and spar with them. I am devoted to them…I even donated to the GMHC on behalf of the Westboro Baptist Church. So overall, I think they know my heart is in the right place.
Since I am a drag queen, let’s talk a little trash:
You are also well known for your roasting of celebrities. Is there anyone that you would love to roast in the future?
People think that you roast people you don’t like. However, the best is to roast or be roasted by someone you like. It’s really an honor. If the Friar’s Club or Comedy Central decided to do a roast of me I’d be so thrilled and honored! My heroes are Howard Stern and Don Rickles. To roast them would be the best ever! I’d go after them, but it would all be in love.
What attracts you to a man?
My husband, Jimmy “Big Balls,” he’s an Italian. I enjoy that Tony Soprano kind of look in a guy. If he looks like he could kill me with one punch then he’s my type! I like them tough and big. I am very dissatisfied though with Jimmy’s sack…it is as big as legend has it! It’s like two big cabernet glasses, which is a little odd! I see past it though and love him anyway.
Who is your celebrity crush?
I really would have totally banged Tony Soprano back in the day. I just did a movie with him about a year ago and he’s a really charismatic guy, James Gandalfini. Everyone knows I also did the chocolate love! LL Cool J was definitely my chocolate daddy crush then! But, I’m like totally gay these days and into those little twink cuties like James Franco and James Marsden…I’m becoming a GILF!
What is your response to anyone who is ever offended by your comedy?
Suck my di$#! I’ve been doing this for years…which means I don’t apologize.
What is in store of Lisa Lampanelli in the future?
I have a cartoon coming out on CMT. It premiers in July and it’s called “Bounty Hunters” with Jeff Foxworthy, Larry the Cable Guy and Bill Engvall. I play the one who gives the bounty hunters the assignments. It’s the best job ever…no hair, no makeup; I can go in sweats and scratch my crotch while I’m recording it! Also, I’m going to keep going with my weight loss. You’re the first to know my new number. I’ve officially lost 106.2 pounds! I did just take a massive dump though before this interview, so it’s probably closer to 110.